Old Tom Foolery
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I Face My Destruction Unafraid—The Fact That My Pants Are Soaked With Urine Is Unrelated, It’s Just That I’m Trying To Drink More Water And Finding A Public Restroom In This Town Is A Freaking Nightmare
We Met Cute In The “As Is” Section At IKEA, Yet He Clearly Felt The Chipped, Discounted Billy Bookcase Was The Better Long Term Investment
Despite Rumors To The Contrary, I Am Not, In Fact, A "Punk Ass Bitch"
He Gave Me Four Words In Exchange For My Ruined Life: “The Cats Say Hi”
My Publisher Is Insisting I Promote My Book About The Post War Jewish Diaspora On That Internet Show Where They Ask You Questions As You Rub Hot Sauce In Your Eyes
Weak-Ass Wifi In The Realm Of The Restless Dead
The "Fun Hang"'s Guide To "Fun"
The Alchemy Of Skylarking
Some Would See Her As Just Another Ashen Stranger Puffing Away In The Dingiest Of Designated Smoking Areas, Yet I Longed For A Lungful Of Her Love
How Was I Supposed To Know That Feeding All Of My Three Year Old’s Artwork Into An AI App Would Lead To The Complete Collapse of Civilization?
I’ve Been Selling Online Ads Door To Door Since The Early Oughts, And Brother, It’s A Young Man’s Game
My Local, Listener Supported Classical Music Station Is Having A Beastly Time Drowning Out The Tumult Of The Domestic Quarrel Occurring In The Adjoining Domicile
On Tenterhooks At The Titty Bar
Who Was I To Argue With An Algorithm
A Local Preteen Was Able To Diagnose His Grandmother’s Dementia By Noticing A Subtle Shift In The Quality Of The Memes She Was Always Printing Out And Mailing To Him
If A Leprechaun Appears And Advises You To Get Your Glandular System Checked, Don’t Drown Him In A Ditch Like I Did—Get Your Damn Glands Checked
Once I Suspect People Have Seen Through My Pretension And Priggery, I Overcorrect And Start Straight In With Hand-In-The-Armpit Fart Noises
Had I Known It Would Lead To A Ten Year Familial Estrangement, I Wouldn’t Have Been So Cavalier In Talking Shit About Sandy Bullock
Cooking Skills Aside, I Admired How She Gingerly Steered Dinner Conversation Away From The Wadded Up Napkins Filled With Half-Masticated Meatloaf
Being Isolated From All Social Obligations And Wallowing In Idleness Does Not Excuse Uttering The Phrase 'Let’s Get Gross'
A Bungled Body Shaming Incident Has Left Me Feeling Both Cocky And Mortified About My Badunkadunk
Empirical Evidence Suggests That One Of The Greatest Problems Confronting Civilization Is The Ascendency Of The Anti-Science Fuckwit
During The Videoconference My Colleagues Patiently Explained To Me That While There Are No Bad Ideas, Loud Trumpeting Farts Are A No No, And Also Not Ideas
Being Labeled “Non-Essential” Led To The Discovery Of A Sub-Basement Beneath My Already Low Self-Esteem
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