Original Paintings

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The Feckless Schmendrick

$1,025.00

Had I Known It Would Lead To A Ten Year Familial Estrangement, I Wouldn’t Have Been So Cavalier In Talking Shit About Sandy Bullock

$2,950.00

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Yes I Wallow In Misinformation And Yes I Am Dumb As A Bag Of Hammers, But Guess Who Won A Gold Medal In Mental Gymnastics—This Guy

$925.00

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Spice Up Your Side Piece Sex Life By—You Guessed It—Adding A Side Piece To Your Side Piece

$1,150.00

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Aquatic Twerking For Seniors

$1,025.00

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My FOMO Got So Bad That I Felt Like I Was Missing Out On Everything In My Peripheral Vision

$1,600.00

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Cooking Skills Aside, I Admired How She Gingerly Steered Dinner Conversation Away From The Wadded Up Napkins Filled With Half-Masticated Meatloaf

$1,025.00

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Being Isolated From All Social Obligations And Wallowing In Idleness Does Not Excuse Uttering The Phrase 'Let’s Get Gross'

$1,025.00

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Monetizing Thoughts And Prayers

$585.00

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Play That Slow Jam From The 2020’s, You Know—The One About Wiping Down Groceries With Disinfectant

$925.00

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A Bungled Body Shaming Incident Has Left Me Feeling Both Cocky And Mortified About My Badunkadunk

$1,600.00

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My Body Pillow Is Technically A Garbage Bag Stuffed With Old Sweaters, But I Got Me A Hankerin’ For Hugs So It Will Have To Do

$875.00

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Empirical Evidence Suggests That One Of The Greatest Problems Confronting Civilization Is The Ascendency Of The Anti-Science Fuckwit

$625.00

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Shit Just Got Higgledy-Piggledy

$1,400.00

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Living In A Constant State Of Excitation Requires A Real Zest For Life And Not A Small Amount Of Cocaine

$625.00

SOLD OUT

During The Videoconference My Colleagues Patiently Explained To Me That While There Are No Bad Ideas, Loud Trumpeting Farts Are A No No, And Also Not Ideas

$400.00

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The Integral Role Of Fancy Fops And Gussied Up Dandies In A Civilized Society

$1,695.00

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Lately I’ve Been Getting A Real Aggro Vibe From My Weighted Blanket

$1,200.00

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Prior To The Stay-At-Home Order And Subsequent 24/7 Cohabitation, My Quirks Were Considered Harmless And Eccentric

$1,025.00

SOLD OUT

Being Labeled “Non-Essential” Led To The Discovery Of A Sub-Basement Beneath My Already Low Self-Esteem

$275.00

SOLD OUT

Coronavirus Is Wreaking Havoc On My Kissing Booth Business, Even After I Removed The “Tonsil Hockey” Option From The Menu

$1,400.00

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Straight Talk About The Opioid Epidemic, In Iambic Pentameter

$900.00

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He Is Full Of Romantic Surprises—Like When He Proposed To Me During My Scamper From The Toilet To The Bidet

$1,150.00

SOLD OUT

I Will Concede He Is A Dumb Sumbitch, But If You Could See The Way He Chugs A Two-Liter Bottle Of Pop, You Would Understand Why I Married A Juggalo

$400.00

SOLD OUT

He Ticked All My Boxes: Flat Earther, Anti-Vaxxer, Terrified Of 5G Cell Towers—And The Man Could Make A Mean Bleach Smoothie

$525.00

SOLD OUT

Getting Into A Pissing Contest With The Queen Of Halloween Is A Sure-Fire Way To Find Yourself Torn Asunder

$2,500.00

SOLD OUT

Plagued By Guilt—And Also A Plague

$400.00

SOLD OUT

It Puts Me In Mind Of That Japanese Game Show Where Contestants Dressed In Poop Emoji Costumes Scream Children’s Songs At Unsuspecting Pedestrians

$395.00

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Sometimes A Cough Is Just A Cough

$275.00

SOLD OUT

Some Cultures Consider It Discourteous—Even Uncool—To Shit Oneself At A Shindig

$1,400.00

SOLD OUT

The Wild Popularity Of Amish Romance Novels Can Be Attributed To The Universal Allure Of Grown-Ass Adults Who Have The Romantic Moves Of Fifth Graders

$1,950.00

SOLD OUT

He Fancied Himself A Quarantine Libertine—In The Afternoons You Would Find Him Wearing Only A Pair Of Latex Gloves

$575.00

SOLD OUT

I Hail From The Great Commonwealth Of Massachusetts—Please Allow Me To Regale You With A Few Colloquial Vulgarisms

$1,500.00

SOLD OUT

Love In The Time Of Coronavirus

$800.00

SOLD OUT

Trotting Out The Ol' Razzle Dazzle Was Not Enough To Save My Marriage

$950.00

SOLD OUT

Jumping At Shadows Is All The Cardio I Get Nowadays

$1,995.00

SOLD OUT

Before The Appetizer Arrives, Let’s Take A Minute To Unpack Why You Thought A First Date Would Be An Appropriate Time To Share Your Opinions About Circumcision

$775.00

SOLD OUT

I Have Had My Fill Of New Realities, Thank You Very Much

$1,325.00

SOLD OUT

Who Was That Masked Man - Oh, It’s Just My Neighbor Picking Up His Dog’s 'Present' During A Global Pandemic

$1,025.00

SOLD OUT

No Substance Is Too Viscous For 'Glistening Jim, The Gunk Juggler'

$875.00

SOLD OUT

My Sciatica Bloometh Afresh

$790.00

SOLD OUT

“What Earned Me The Nickname “Congenital Idiot” Was When I Lurched Shitfaced Out Of A Karaoke Bar High On A Deranged Dream That Blue-Eyed Soul Could Save The World”

$790.00

SOLD OUT

‘I Apologize For Being Pissy—It’s Just That Social Distancing Is Anathema For Someone Whose Most Uttered Phrase Is ‘I’m A Hugger’

$875.00

SOLD OUT

Surprise, Surprise —This Self-Described 'Cheeky Bastard' Turned Out To Be Just A Run-Of-The-Mill, Garden-Variety Bastard

$1,025.00

SOLD OUT

Here’s The Opening Number From My Solo Show...

$790.00

SOLD OUT

Horny For Normalcy

$875.00

SOLD OUT

I Always Have To Stop And Ask Myself—Is This My Extreme Paranoia And Anxiety, Or Am I Just Freaking The Fuck Out?

$625.00

SOLD OUT

My Parents’ Brilliant Solution To My Childhood Tremblings And Hysterics Was To Buy Me A Fainting Couch—Which They Later Admitted Was Just A Dog Bed They Had Picked Up At Costco

$925.00

Original Paintings

The Feckless Schmendrick

Had I Known It Would Lead To A Ten Year Familial Estrangement, I Wouldn’t Have Been So Cavalier In Talking Shit About Sandy Bullock

Yes I Wallow In Misinformation And Yes I Am Dumb As A Bag Of Hammers, But Guess Who Won A Gold Medal In Mental Gymnastics—This Guy

Spice Up Your Side Piece Sex Life By—You Guessed It—Adding A Side Piece To Your Side Piece

Aquatic Twerking For Seniors

My FOMO Got So Bad That I Felt Like I Was Missing Out On Everything In My Peripheral Vision

Cooking Skills Aside, I Admired How She Gingerly Steered Dinner Conversation Away From The Wadded Up Napkins Filled With Half-Masticated Meatloaf

Being Isolated From All Social Obligations And Wallowing In Idleness Does Not Excuse Uttering The Phrase 'Let’s Get Gross'

Monetizing Thoughts And Prayers

Play That Slow Jam From The 2020’s, You Know—The One About Wiping Down Groceries With Disinfectant

A Bungled Body Shaming Incident Has Left Me Feeling Both Cocky And Mortified About My Badunkadunk

My Body Pillow Is Technically A Garbage Bag Stuffed With Old Sweaters, But I Got Me A Hankerin’ For Hugs So It Will Have To Do

Empirical Evidence Suggests That One Of The Greatest Problems Confronting Civilization Is The Ascendency Of The Anti-Science Fuckwit

Shit Just Got Higgledy-Piggledy

Living In A Constant State Of Excitation Requires A Real Zest For Life And Not A Small Amount Of Cocaine

During The Videoconference My Colleagues Patiently Explained To Me That While There Are No Bad Ideas, Loud Trumpeting Farts Are A No No, And Also Not Ideas

The Integral Role Of Fancy Fops And Gussied Up Dandies In A Civilized Society

Lately I’ve Been Getting A Real Aggro Vibe From My Weighted Blanket

Prior To The Stay-At-Home Order And Subsequent 24/7 Cohabitation, My Quirks Were Considered Harmless And Eccentric

Being Labeled “Non-Essential” Led To The Discovery Of A Sub-Basement Beneath My Already Low Self-Esteem

Coronavirus Is Wreaking Havoc On My Kissing Booth Business, Even After I Removed The “Tonsil Hockey” Option From The Menu

Straight Talk About The Opioid Epidemic, In Iambic Pentameter

He Is Full Of Romantic Surprises—Like When He Proposed To Me During My Scamper From The Toilet To The Bidet

I Will Concede He Is A Dumb Sumbitch, But If You Could See The Way He Chugs A Two-Liter Bottle Of Pop, You Would Understand Why I Married A Juggalo

He Ticked All My Boxes: Flat Earther, Anti-Vaxxer, Terrified Of 5G Cell Towers—And The Man Could Make A Mean Bleach Smoothie

Getting Into A Pissing Contest With The Queen Of Halloween Is A Sure-Fire Way To Find Yourself Torn Asunder

Plagued By Guilt—And Also A Plague

It Puts Me In Mind Of That Japanese Game Show Where Contestants Dressed In Poop Emoji Costumes Scream Children’s Songs At Unsuspecting Pedestrians

Sometimes A Cough Is Just A Cough

Some Cultures Consider It Discourteous—Even Uncool—To Shit Oneself At A Shindig

The Wild Popularity Of Amish Romance Novels Can Be Attributed To The Universal Allure Of Grown-Ass Adults Who Have The Romantic Moves Of Fifth Graders

He Fancied Himself A Quarantine Libertine—In The Afternoons You Would Find Him Wearing Only A Pair Of Latex Gloves

I Hail From The Great Commonwealth Of Massachusetts—Please Allow Me To Regale You With A Few Colloquial Vulgarisms

Love In The Time Of Coronavirus

Trotting Out The Ol' Razzle Dazzle Was Not Enough To Save My Marriage

Jumping At Shadows Is All The Cardio I Get Nowadays

Before The Appetizer Arrives, Let’s Take A Minute To Unpack Why You Thought A First Date Would Be An Appropriate Time To Share Your Opinions About Circumcision

I Have Had My Fill Of New Realities, Thank You Very Much

Who Was That Masked Man - Oh, It’s Just My Neighbor Picking Up His Dog’s 'Present' During A Global Pandemic

No Substance Is Too Viscous For 'Glistening Jim, The Gunk Juggler'

My Sciatica Bloometh Afresh

“What Earned Me The Nickname “Congenital Idiot” Was When I Lurched Shitfaced Out Of A Karaoke Bar High On A Deranged Dream That Blue-Eyed Soul Could Save The World”

‘I Apologize For Being Pissy—It’s Just That Social Distancing Is Anathema For Someone Whose Most Uttered Phrase Is ‘I’m A Hugger’

Surprise, Surprise —This Self-Described 'Cheeky Bastard' Turned Out To Be Just A Run-Of-The-Mill, Garden-Variety Bastard

Here’s The Opening Number From My Solo Show...

Horny For Normalcy

I Always Have To Stop And Ask Myself—Is This My Extreme Paranoia And Anxiety, Or Am I Just Freaking The Fuck Out?

My Parents’ Brilliant Solution To My Childhood Tremblings And Hysterics Was To Buy Me A Fainting Couch—Which They Later Admitted Was Just A Dog Bed They Had Picked Up At Costco

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